Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie