I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Thursday
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”