I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A new level of troll.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.