I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
cyclists
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”