my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You Might Also Like
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
#Caturday
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be