Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.