Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report