My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want