Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I have a new favorite meme page
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.