Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
You Might Also Like
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?