Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*