[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.