Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.