A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My work here is done
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Meowchelangelo
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail