{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
We’ve come full circle
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
it’s the silliest best thing
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Breaking news:
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.