Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
me
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
that wasn’t the question
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death