As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.