My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”