I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?