Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Everything reminds me of my ex
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”