I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to