I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?