Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.