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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.