Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?