Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.