Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
when dads have a rap battle
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”