Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
can’t catch a break
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.