Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves