Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.