I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.