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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I need to get some bricks…
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”