Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
You Might Also Like
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye