Not helping
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taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I thought this was funny lol
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
This guy gets it.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐