If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS