90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒