[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
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My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I love wikipedia
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!