ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Breaking news:
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story