Beware…..
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer