If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
OMG 🤣🤣
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable