That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.