Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good