“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-