If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
me logging onto twitter
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
when someone rings the doorbell
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.