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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.