not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You Might Also Like
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.