[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Snapes on a plane.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.