I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.