Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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Golf would be better with landmines.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
How to find Kentucky on a map
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented