It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.